I am just such a fucking iconoclast. No, wait, the iconoclasts were the people who destroyed graphic depictions of religious figures. I'm, uh, whatever the opposite of an iconoclast is. Either way, I'm so brave.
Do you know who's not brave? South Park creators Trey Parker and Matt Stone, that's who! Why? Well, just look at this supposedly "offensive" picture of Mohammed from their 200th episode, entitled "200":
If you didn't notice Mohammed in that picture, it's because he's hiding in a fucking bear suit! I mean, come on, that's not in violation of the second commandment! You call that blasphemy? You would have to be completely batshit insane to find that offensive.
It figures that the only people who sent Trey and Matt death threats over that episode were from Revolution Muslim, a largely internet-based Islamic fundamentalist whose main non-internet activities consist of picketing mosques they don't find extreme enough. Fucking lame.
And look. The guy who posted the death threats was Zachary Adam Chesser, a white guy who inexplicably converted to Islam and changed his name to Abu Talhah Al-Amrikee.
And the group was founded by Joseph Leonard Cohen, a white New York Jew who inexplicably converted to Islam and changed his name to Yousef al-Khatab. And who had previously founded a group called "Jews For Allah".
In fact, the entire organization is a bunch of white guys playing dress-up. And those are the only people Trey and Matt managed to offend!
Note to Trey and Matt: you're a bunch of fucking pussies and I hope you die and go to some place that isn't Valhalla! Because only brave people go to Valhalla! Like me!
Oh yeah, I'm extra offensive because I insulted religion and made a religiously-motivated death threat in the same post. It's called being an equal opportunity offender.
Anyway, you, dear reader, may not know this, but South Park used to be an offensive show. Even more shocking, it used to be funny. I mean once they were willing to show all sorts of religious figures, including Mohammed on their show:
I mean, fuck yeah!
But then the next time they included Mohammed in a show they watered it down to a brief cameo in a Family Guy parody.
But do you know who's even bigger wimps than Trey Parker and Matt Stone? The executives at Comedy Central. Why? Because they took down the streaming version of "200" and heavily censored the following episode, "201" to remove all blasphemy.
On the Daily Show, John Stewart defended the decision on the grounds that it was necessary to protect the people involved, because of the death threats. But do you really think that the 700 chatroom attendees on the "Sect formerly known as Jews for Allah" website are going to be placated by that? And do you think that the 1.57 billion Muslims who didn't send death threats will be more or less likely to be pissed off when Comedy central portrays their entire religion as a bunch of easily-offended pansies?
I mean come on the only time Muslims got up in such large numbers to rail against blasphemy was the Jyllands-Posten thing. And those Danes actually made an effort to piss off the Muslims. I mean, first of all, they had 12 depictions of Mohammed. Only one of those was a bear-suit-worthy cop-out, and one of them was this:
On top of that, Jyllands-Posten made-up stories about asylum fraud in order to whip up anti-immigrant hysteria amongst white Danes, using its status as the largest-selling newspaper in Denmark and the fact that it's privately (i.e. undemocratically) owned. And the fact that the government that was brought in as a result of that hysteria enacted harsh anti-immigrant measures like banning marriage between immigrants under the age of 24. And that it took Denmark into wars in Iraq and Afghanistan that resulted in thousands of deaths.
And even the riots didn't happen until some Danish imams, taking a page from the Jyllands-Posten school of making shit up to whip up racist hysteria, told already riled-up Muslims that this was one of the pictures, which never actually appeared in the paper:
I mean it took a lot of effort to piss of all of those people.
But even Jyllands-Posten used to be significantly more brave than they are now. While they revel in their commitment to free-speech (as dictated by an unelected editorial board of an unelected corporation) and defending western values like racism from non-western values like slightly different racism, they used to be committed to accusing all semitic religions/ethnicities of being a threat to western values, not just Muslims.
Let me tell, you something, dear reader. I, because I'm so fucking brave, and because I'm such an equal opportunity offender, am going to show you the other incident in which Jyllands-Posten accused a semitic religion/ethnicity of being terrorists who were threatening to destroy our county. The full article they wrote in November 15, 1938 in response to Kristallnacht is here, but it's in Danish. So here's a choice sample in English that even Jyllands-Posten itself is to chicken to parade all over the place:
"When one has studied the Jewish question in Europe for decades, the animosity towards the Jews is to a certain extent understandable, even if we look past the racial theories, that mean so much in the national socialist world view [...] We know, that tens of thousands of Jews condemn the Jewish business sharks, the Jewish pornography speculators and the Jewish terrorists. But still, it can not be denied, that the experiences which the Germans - as many other continental peoples - have had with regards to the Jews, form a certain basis for their persecution. One must give Germany, that they have a right to dispose of their Jews."
So now you know. Trey Parker and Matt Stone are cowards. Comedy Central are cowards. Jyllands-Posten are cowards. But the biggest coward of all is Tom Chivers of the Telegraph. He wrote what has to be the single whiniest, bitchiest, pants-wettiest screed about how de poor widdle westerners are being picked on by the mean owd powiticawwy cowwect Iswamic Fundametawists ever. (because if there's one phrase that describes Islamic fundamentalists its "politically correct").
He starts by innocently saying that all he wants to do, his one goal in life, his dream is to draw a nice friendly considerate picture of Mohammed.
You know how I’d like to illustrate this blog about censorship in the new episode of South Park? With a nice, big pic, right at the top, 460 pixels by 288, of the Prophet Mohammed.
Not doing anything bad or inappropriate – just smiling, looking calm and wise, dressed in suitable clothes for a seventh-century Middle Eastern merchant. But a picture of the Prophet Mohammed. In colour. You know, to show what he looks like.
I mean, "not doing anything bad or inappropriate"? What a loser. That's not brave. And what's this about "dressed in suitable clothes"? I mean come on, if you really want to show how brave and committed to not liking censorship you are you should draw an incredibly inappropriate picture of Mohammed. And he should be naked, except for a turban with a bomb in it. You know, something like this:
See? It's not that hard. It may not be 460 pixels by 288, but the first picture I drew is. But that lame-ass Tom Chivers is too worried that he'll be assassinated by a New York Jew for Allah to even draw a tasteful picture of Mohammed. So instead he writes an article accusing all Muslims of being backward.
Chivers is a science writer normally, so it's understandable that he uses the incredibly scientific argument that if you can list a bunch of nasty things that a particular ethnic group did, but choose not to list nasty things that people not in that ethnic group did, then the ethnic group in question is by definition, horrible.
He calls on people to stand up to those PC bullies in Jews for Allah/Revolution Muslim by drawing pictures of Mohammed. As you can see, I've stood up to them, but he's to scared "Because if you mock it, some of its believers – a tiny percentage, but a tiny percentage of a billion or so is still a large number – will threaten to hurt or kill you." Well, in the case of the South Park, that tiny percentage was so tiny that it consisted of an organization of 12 people whose chatroom has 700 people, mostly white guys trying to piss of their parents, so that would be so small a percentage of a billion that it isn't still a large number.
But were his attempts to stand up to the Muslims as effective as Joseph Leonard Cohen's attempts to stand up to the Jews. Nope. Chivers's internet followers are also to chicken to draw pictures of Mohammed. All they do is make these whiny, pants-pissy calls for genocide of all Muslims in Turkey and North Africa like
I used to believe we could live with Islam and maybe 40 years ago that was true, now I believe they need to go back whence they came and bloody stay there. then and only then can we sort of get along. We also want Asia minor and north Africa back.
and whiny, pants-pissy calls for genocide of all Muslims in the entire middle east like
It’s a nice idea, but a far better one was written by an obscure hardcore metal singer called Billy Milano 25 years ago:
F___ the middle east, there’s too many problems
They just get in the way, we could sure live without ‘em
They hijack all our planes & raise our oil prices
Let’s kill ‘em all & have a ball & end their f______ crisis.
Not to mention the calls for genocide are focused on the wrong place. Given who was making the threats against South Park, you should either call for killing all the Jews in New York or all the white people in the US of A.
Not to mention that the second genocide-monger is censoring his own swear words. Whatever happened to freedom of speech?!
I guess I'm just the only person in the entire universe who cares about freedom.
I'm such a fucking hero.